Refocusing

I've finally found a decent way to describe my head lately.

Foggy

We had a foggy morning here last week. It wasn't too bad near my house, just cool to look at as it seemed to gather mostly in open areas like school yards and parks. It wasn't causing any visibility problems in the roads so I didn't even have to slow down to make my drive to work. As I got closer to work it got thicker. It wasn't just open areas that the fog was sitting, but it was constantly thick along the sides of the roads and it got slightly hazy in traffic. Visibility was still okay so traffic moved along like normal. Within a couple blocks of work it thickened enough that I had to slow down just a little bit. It wasn't a problem to drive, but there was no break in the fog and it was better to be safe and get to my parking spot without any surprises.

As talk about the fog went on through the morning I was remembering my drive from Houston to Dallas, TX last October. I left Houston at about 5:30 or 6:00 am as Jon was leaving for school. Not too far into the drive I hit some heavy fog. Heavy enough that I was tense as I drove. I was in an unfamiliar area, on a highway I'd never driven before and there's nothing out there other than thick trees along the side of the road. The problem with driving in fog is you can't drive as slow as you want to because you have to consider being run into from behind. Luckily I came up on a large truck whose rear lights I could see clearly from far enough back that I wasn't following too closely. I followed those lights for at least an hour before he pulled off of the highway and I was on my own again. I almost pulled off behind him so I could hug the driver and thank him for making me feel calmer for all of that time. By then it was light enough and the fog had cleared enough that I was comfortable driving in it.

So this is the perfect description of what's going on in my head this week.

One thing I've realized, and accepted about myself is that I'm good at locking things away in my head that I don't want to deal with. It doesn't usually bother me so much because I mostly see it as an extension of another tendency I have that I consider to be a good thing. Anyone who knows me very well will tell you that my conscience tends to run on the overboard side, and therefore I feel guilt probably more often than I should, and probably more intensely than I should. So when I remind myself of things I'm not very proud of it hurts... a lot. This isn't usually too big of a deal because I just shove it back with everything else I don't want to think about and go on with life.

My problem is that everything is escaping right now. Well, probably not everything, but too much for me to handle. There are things going on in my life that I don't like, but I know I need to deal with and move on. That's fine, I can do that. But what I can't do is deal with the 'double whammy'. These things that I'm trying to deal with are forcing me to think about things I have safely locked away. I've given up trying to force the door shut on all of these memories because they're out and running amok. My head is filled with all of these things that depress the hell out of me.

This week I've been out of it. I'm forgetting things I normally wouldn't. I find myself wandering around without any reason. I can't focus on anything for very long. Being distracted is good. I've been baking a little, reading a little, cleaning more than usual. Tyaan had 2 water polo games which was good. I've been sitting at my piano more often than I have in years, which is also made possible because I'm home alone a lot more than I have been in years. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I've been like this, but this morning it hit me. It's fog.

I've discovered my 2nd line of defense. 1st is my locked room where everything I don't want out is kept, but when that is breached and everything is jumbled together the 2nd stage kicks in. I've realized that to try to keep from seeing the things that depress me I've started to blur everything out. The only way to protect myself from the 'bad' things in my head are to block out everything. My head is full of fog. My usual day to day contentment is gone and I've become this listless, scatterbrained, hollow...thing.

I'm trying to figure out how best to get myself all back together, but I'm not sure what the best way is yet. Or if it's even worth the effort, but I'm sure that attitude is part of the work that needs to be done. It's hard because I usually have people to go to when I need help, but I can't with this. It involves too many of the people I'd usually talk to, and those that are left I couldn't handle the embarassment of how pathetic and selfish I can and have been. So, in desperation I'm writing to nobody, posting a blog, and as pathetic as that makes me feel, it's better than if I actually told somebody some highlights of what's swirling around in my head right now.

I have decided that I need more 'distractions'. I'm weighing some options of how to start filling some time and give myself things to focus on other than things that I don't want to think about.

So I am mentally compiling a list, and acting on a few of the items, but mostly dragging my feet.



(I'm finally posting this a week and a half after writing it. I've been hesitant because posting a blog seems more like advertising than 'writing to nobody' but I've decided that overall I put everything down in writing for my benefit, and if anyone thinks badly of me for 'advertising' then I don't really care. BUT, if you read this and worry for me - don't. I'm already feeling a lot better than I was this day and I'll get over it. What else is there to do?)